Three years ago I began my journey of self healing. It was during my time in Singapore that I was slowly weaning myself off a cocktail of psychotropic prescription drugs. This picture was taken smack bang in the midst of it all. Even back then I knew wellness was the way! I experienced ‘brain shocks’ along with many other nasty withdrawals and side effects. It was a very hard time for me but nothing compared to the lifetime of internal pain I had exhausted myself with. I just knew there was a path for me that didn’t involve giving my power to anyone besides myself. I was so tired of being me and hearing from doctors that I was destined to live a life of hopelessness; that I would never live a “normal life”. So I drowned myself my in alcohol and drugs to numb the pain inside and it was slowly killing me. I felt as though my life was over before it even started and being given a label and identity of "Mental Illness" and a fate of reliance on a bunch of pills to be a semi functioning human just didn't seem all that appealing. I felt conquered and crushed and nothing made sense except not wanting to be alive. The pain was too much to bear and it just never ended, except when I was pretending to be someone else and self medicating. I just couldn't accept this as my reality any longer and knew that there had to be another way. I was f*%king stronger than this.
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.” – Mahatma Ghandi
Determined to make a huge fundamental change in my mindset and perception on how I viewed the world and myself, I set out on a mission. A mission to start loving the person I had loathed for longer than I can remember... myself. Three years later (last month to be exact) I am completely medication free and truly living the life I had always dreamed of. I now look in the mirror and smile. Don't get me wrong, I still have my insecurities, they just don't run my life or cripple me anymore. I'm aware they are there and still fight daily to accept myself just that little bit more than yesterday.
I am the proof in the pudding, I’ve lived through a desperately defeated existence, fought my demons and won. Now, I’m not saying stop taking your meds or don't take them if they are prescribed. I’m not saying hate doctors and don’t listen to them. All I’m saying is that you have inner resources that are ready and waiting for you to find them and begin your own journey to a fulfilled and happy life. You have the power to change, all you need is the knowledge how. It starts by listening to that little voice in the back of the bleachers loving you unconditionally, no matter how much you f#*k up or hate yourself. Stop looking outside for answers, comparing and wishing things were different and and look within to find that you are your own saviour, no one else can do that work for you.
"I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become." – Carl Jung
After many soul searching excursions and deep inner reflective work, a ton of hard work and perseverance I am now running an online coaching business, empowering people towards their goals and aspirations, educating people via wellness coaching and introducing natural health solutions to support physical and emotional wellness, teaching yoga and meditation and offering healing retreats in the Hunter Valley.
I now take a realistic approach to wellness with all my team, students and clients. You don't have to abstain from anything you enjoy if it's not detrimental to your health and well-being. Just merely do what is right for you and be aware of what you are putting in your body (and why) and how you are treating yourself in order to find your balance. I'm no angel, nor do I pretend to be. I still enjoy a night out and spending quality time with friends over a few vino's, I live in the wine country of NSW after all! I just love myself enough now to enjoy, not self sabotage and abuse my body as a way of escaping. You can find balance and true happiness in life, you just need to believe it's possible.
"Rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life." – J.K. Rowling
I urge anyone reading this to reach out to a loved one or health professional if you are experiencing suicidal thoughts, feelings of depression, anxiety or suffering any emotional trauma. I am not a health professional nor do I claim to be one. I do, however, work alongside a network of psychologists, psychotherapists and counsellors just waiting to meet you. All available via Skype in the privacy of your own home.